Time to change the tone

It's exciting - and frustrating - and scary - to find and talk to people whose parents are old. Exciting because they have so much to say, and they naturally identify gaps in what's available to make their jobs easier. These are a new generation of adult children of older people - they are internet savvy, professional, used to advocating for their own health care and rights, busy, and very, very, very, very (did I mention very?) pragmatic.

It's frustrating because they all talk about the same needs and yet no one is meeting them. They want real information that clearly understands their issues and problems. They want it to be intuitive and easy for them to use, but also reliable and very trustworthy. This is their parents we're talking about after all - they are not going to just go with whatever fly by night dog and pony show they come across on Geocities.

Scary, because I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to try to do something, which is always scary. A friend said to me recently, "You sure like to bite off big mouthfuls." Fair enough. I get it. I am exploring a field that is crowded (albeit with, in my opinion, for this group of users, content and offerings that don't "get" them), highly attractive to big players with lots of resources, and fraught with emotion, l

There is so much out there about "caring" (if you're from the UK) and "caregiving" (if you're a Yankee like me), but the tone (not to mention the content) just doesn't work for the people I am talking to. People don't want hugs and pictures of smiling older people. They don't want hearts and logos of a stylized group of people holding hands. They don't want advice about how they should look after themselves, too, and plan ahead, and make lists, and try not to feel guilty. The way they really feel goes something like this:

1. Of course I feel guilty. Why is this even worth talking about?
2. Why would I want to belong to a caregiver support group to continue talking about something that already takes up so much time? When I am not caring for my aging parent, I would like to be
1. Doing my job
2. Taking care of my kids
3. Actually participating in my marriage
4. Drinking wine with friends
   
3. Telling me to find local sources of support for my parent is the most useless advice in the world. I don't even know what questions I should be asking. I have never in my life dealt with social services, so why should I know how to do that now? If I am looking for someone to check in on my Dad, should I be asking social services, the agency on aging, a local charity, a paid helper...?
4. I bloody well know my parent is declining. I don't really need help with seeing that. What I need is specific answers to my specific questions, about my specific situation.
   

Yet the way information and support is structured for these guys goes like this:

1. You probably feel guilty. Let's talk about that.
2. You should join a support group.
3. If your parent lives far away from you, make sure you do the following:
1. Find local sources of support
4. Watch for the following signs you parent is declining...

The gap between these two is amazing. It's as if nobody has asked the question: What is it that would be helpful to you?

I'm trying to ask the question now. If you have an answer, let me know.
JS.